I've been thinking lately about emotional connectedness (I'm not even positive that's a real word, but it makes sense to me). You may not be able to tell by my last post, but I am not a very emotionally sharing kind of person. My last post is very honest and shares my emotions and this is why I still have not let anyone I know read it and I have only told my husband about even creating a blog. I am an emotionally distant person most of the time. Of course, I'm open with the people that I am closest with, my husband and my best friend. I have a very hard time with affectionate words. I freeze up everytime my mother-in-law says, "I love you." It's just not comfortable to me, but at the same time I don't necessarily want her to not say it.
I also have a problem with staying in touch with family. It doesn't bother me to go long periods without talking to or seeing any of them. I really don't feel all that gulity about it either. I know, and I think to myself, "I should call my little brother (he's only 7)", but I still don't do it. That's just who I am. It doesn't mean that I don't care. It just means I'm a little emotionally disconnected.
I have a tendency to analyze everything and try to find a reason for everything. So I have come up with some possible explanations for why this emotional disconnectedness occurs (for me anyway). I think it must be a defense mechanism. Too many disappointments, broken promises, and, frankly, absent parents both physically and responsibly. If I don't allow myself to care too much, to a point where it affects me as a person or changes my decisions, then I can't get hurt. I don't want to be hurt anymore.
I will expand on physically and responsibly, as responsibly seems like an unusual choice. I initially chose emotionally but that wasn't quite right. I know my mom loves me, she verbally expresses this to me all the time. Anyway, physically is exactly what it sounds like, simply not present. Responsibly, however, may not be as clear, so let me clarify. It is not responsible to choose drugs over your child. It is not responsible to choose alcohol over your child. It is not responsible to choose abusive men over your child. It is not responsible to leave your child in the care of someone who also has a history of abuse. Having experienced all of the emotions that come with these unresponsible choices made by a parent, I had to learn how to set aside these emotions and not let them have a lasting negative impact on my life.
Our past shapes us into who we are. My past has has shaped me into someone who is a little emotionally disconnected. I guess I just need to find a way to force myself out of my comfort zone from time to time so that I can make room for more healthy relationships in my life.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Sappy Happy
Today, okay maybe last Tuesday, I am the happiest I have ever been. Sure, I have had many happy and memorable experiences in my life. As well as many not so happy but equally as memorable experiences. Today though I use happy as in fulfilled and truly content on an emotional and spiritual level. Sure, we all want more. We can think of things that we think would make us happier, say, more money for instance, but for the first time in my life I have actually just smiled in my surroundings and felt truly happy. This is all a little sappy, I know, and believe me when I say that I am not a sappy person by any stretch of the imagination.
I know that the biggest thing that has made me feel this happy is my beautiful daughter. Really, maybe even more accurately, it is the realtionship and love that my daughter and I share. Lacking a healthy mother-daughter relationship growing up has made me feel truly amazing in my relationship with my daughter. I know that doesn't quite sound like it makes sense. I think the fact that my mother and I shared a not so healthy relationship has helped me to not take the relationship that my daughter and I are building for granted. Sure, she's only two and you would think that we've only only just begun to build that relationship. Maybe relationship is not quite the right word. A relationship is how people relate to one another and get along. I'm talking about something deeper, something chemical, mystical even.
She is an extension of myself, my best self. The self I wish I was or could have been given the chance to be. I want her to have the things I didn't have. I want her to have a present mother, a non-alcoholic mother, a non-drug addict mother. I want her to know her father, see her father, live with her father (and mother, of course). I want her to have a normal childhood , whatever that may be.
What I am realizing, and is contributing to my nauseating happiness, is that I actually am capable of providing this for my daughter. I am capable of having a happy, healthy marriage, with my best friend I might add. I am not as damaged as I was afraid I may be. Somehow, despite my own mother having never really raised any of her own three children, I am a great mom. My daughter is happy, healthy, brilliant, well mannered, and shows love. Oh, and did I mention brilliant? She truly is amazingly smart. Love is not something I always felt from some of those I should have. Love is not something I easily express to this day.
I am gushing about my daughter, like most mothers I suppose. But, I really owe everything to my husband, without whom none of this would be possible. Somehow he loves me despite all of my emotional shortcomings and numerous emotional outpourings. I know that without him I would not be where I am today. He supports me. He believes in me. He loves me. And that has made me who I am today.
I know that the biggest thing that has made me feel this happy is my beautiful daughter. Really, maybe even more accurately, it is the realtionship and love that my daughter and I share. Lacking a healthy mother-daughter relationship growing up has made me feel truly amazing in my relationship with my daughter. I know that doesn't quite sound like it makes sense. I think the fact that my mother and I shared a not so healthy relationship has helped me to not take the relationship that my daughter and I are building for granted. Sure, she's only two and you would think that we've only only just begun to build that relationship. Maybe relationship is not quite the right word. A relationship is how people relate to one another and get along. I'm talking about something deeper, something chemical, mystical even.
She is an extension of myself, my best self. The self I wish I was or could have been given the chance to be. I want her to have the things I didn't have. I want her to have a present mother, a non-alcoholic mother, a non-drug addict mother. I want her to know her father, see her father, live with her father (and mother, of course). I want her to have a normal childhood , whatever that may be.
What I am realizing, and is contributing to my nauseating happiness, is that I actually am capable of providing this for my daughter. I am capable of having a happy, healthy marriage, with my best friend I might add. I am not as damaged as I was afraid I may be. Somehow, despite my own mother having never really raised any of her own three children, I am a great mom. My daughter is happy, healthy, brilliant, well mannered, and shows love. Oh, and did I mention brilliant? She truly is amazingly smart. Love is not something I always felt from some of those I should have. Love is not something I easily express to this day.
I am gushing about my daughter, like most mothers I suppose. But, I really owe everything to my husband, without whom none of this would be possible. Somehow he loves me despite all of my emotional shortcomings and numerous emotional outpourings. I know that without him I would not be where I am today. He supports me. He believes in me. He loves me. And that has made me who I am today.
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