Emotionally Disconnected

I've been thinking lately about emotional connectedness (I'm not even positive that's a real word, but it makes sense to me).  You may not be able to tell by my last post, but I am not a very emotionally sharing kind of person.  My last post is very honest and shares my emotions and this is why I still have not let anyone I know read it and I have only told my husband about even creating a blog.  I am an emotionally distant person most of the time.  Of course, I'm open with the people that I am closest with, my husband and my best friend.  I have a very hard time with affectionate words.  I freeze up everytime my mother-in-law says, "I love you."  It's just not comfortable to me, but at the same time I don't necessarily want her to not say it.

I also have a problem with staying in touch with family.  It doesn't bother me to go long periods without talking to or seeing any of them.  I really don't feel all that gulity about it either.  I know, and I think to myself, "I should call my little brother (he's only 7)", but I still don't do it.  That's just who I am.  It doesn't mean that I don't care.  It just means I'm a little emotionally disconnected. 

I have a tendency to analyze everything and try to find a reason for everything.  So I have come up with some possible explanations for why this emotional disconnectedness occurs (for me anyway).  I think it must be a defense mechanism.  Too many disappointments, broken promises, and, frankly, absent parents both physically and responsibly.  If I don't allow myself to care too much, to a point where it affects me as a person or changes my decisions, then I can't get hurt.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I will expand on physically and responsibly, as responsibly seems like an unusual choice.  I initially chose emotionally but that wasn't quite right.  I know my mom loves me, she verbally expresses this to me all the time.  Anyway, physically is exactly what it sounds like, simply not present.  Responsibly, however, may not be as clear, so let me clarify.  It is not responsible to choose drugs over your child.  It is not responsible to choose alcohol over your child.  It is not responsible to choose abusive men over your child.  It is not responsible to leave your child in the care of someone who also has a history of abuse.  Having experienced all of the emotions that come with these unresponsible choices made by a parent, I had to learn how to set aside these emotions and not let them have a lasting negative impact on my life. 

Our past shapes us into who we are.  My past has has shaped me into someone who is a little emotionally disconnected.  I guess I just need to find a way to force myself out of my comfort zone from time to time so that I can make room for more healthy relationships in my life.