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Feeling Judged

Religion is a very touchy subject.  I generally will not engage in a conversation about religion.  I feel that I do not know enough to have an intelligent conversation on the topic.  But it also seems to be true that those people who do wish to discuss religion have a narrow minded view, do not respect the beliefs of others, and often, are also uneducated on the subject.  I believe that every person deserves respect regardless of their beliefs. 
My opinion is that we have no way of knowing, truly, which religion has it right.  It's amazing how many different religions and myths share the same basic stories.  I think that there may be some truth behind these kinds of stories.  My feeling is this:  Books are written by human beings.  Human beings make errors.  Human beings are biased.  Human beings make mistakes.  Human beings misinterpret things.  Human beings often have an agenda.  I don't think any one religion has everything right.  I think the teachings of many religions can teach us good morals and how to treat others with compassion and this is where we should allow religion to impact our lives.
I'm feeling a little judged lately regarding my lack of attending church.  I feel like I have made an educated decision in my religious views.  I treat others, and I mean ALL others, with respect regardless of religion, race, socioeconomic status, or sexual preference.  After all it's not our place to judge others, and that IS in the Bible.

Lost Moments

When I think back on my pregnancy and the beginning of my daughter's life I am saddened that my mother wasn't a part of my life at that time.  I have very strong feelings about this period in my life with regards to how my mother was missing in action, lost in her own misery and self centered life of drugs and alcohol.

 My pregnancy was amazing.  I was so happy and I wanted to share the feelings and experiences with my mother.  I wanted to talk to her about when she was pregnant with me.  After my daughter was born, I wanted to share the feelings I was having and I wanted desperately to hear what her experiences were with me.  I wanted to hear her say how much Abby reminded her of me.  I was yearning to have a real connection with my mother, unfortunately for the first time in my life.  But, it didn't happen.

I remember one day while I was nursing just looking down at my daughter's closed eyes and just for a moment she looked exactly like me and I thought to myself that my mother must have had the same beautiful view 25 years earlier.  I just wanted to share that moment with her so badly.

Unfortunately, at the present, my mom is weak.  She allows her past to have a negative impact on her life everyday.  I know that there is a stronger person inside of her.  I think every person has the ability to overcome terrible experiences and become a strong and stable person.  Substance abuse has ruined her life thus far.  It has ruined our relationship thus far.  I hope for change but I have learned not to hold my breath. I will always love her and give her more chances.  I am an optimistic person by nature but I also like to think that I am realistic.  And I am no longer allowing her to hurt me.

I wish we could go back in time and relive those precious moments together, I truly do.

Emotionally Disconnected

I've been thinking lately about emotional connectedness (I'm not even positive that's a real word, but it makes sense to me).  You may not be able to tell by my last post, but I am not a very emotionally sharing kind of person.  My last post is very honest and shares my emotions and this is why I still have not let anyone I know read it and I have only told my husband about even creating a blog.  I am an emotionally distant person most of the time.  Of course, I'm open with the people that I am closest with, my husband and my best friend.  I have a very hard time with affectionate words.  I freeze up everytime my mother-in-law says, "I love you."  It's just not comfortable to me, but at the same time I don't necessarily want her to not say it.

I also have a problem with staying in touch with family.  It doesn't bother me to go long periods without talking to or seeing any of them.  I really don't feel all that gulity about it either.  I know, and I think to myself, "I should call my little brother (he's only 7)", but I still don't do it.  That's just who I am.  It doesn't mean that I don't care.  It just means I'm a little emotionally disconnected. 

I have a tendency to analyze everything and try to find a reason for everything.  So I have come up with some possible explanations for why this emotional disconnectedness occurs (for me anyway).  I think it must be a defense mechanism.  Too many disappointments, broken promises, and, frankly, absent parents both physically and responsibly.  If I don't allow myself to care too much, to a point where it affects me as a person or changes my decisions, then I can't get hurt.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I will expand on physically and responsibly, as responsibly seems like an unusual choice.  I initially chose emotionally but that wasn't quite right.  I know my mom loves me, she verbally expresses this to me all the time.  Anyway, physically is exactly what it sounds like, simply not present.  Responsibly, however, may not be as clear, so let me clarify.  It is not responsible to choose drugs over your child.  It is not responsible to choose alcohol over your child.  It is not responsible to choose abusive men over your child.  It is not responsible to leave your child in the care of someone who also has a history of abuse.  Having experienced all of the emotions that come with these unresponsible choices made by a parent, I had to learn how to set aside these emotions and not let them have a lasting negative impact on my life. 

Our past shapes us into who we are.  My past has has shaped me into someone who is a little emotionally disconnected.  I guess I just need to find a way to force myself out of my comfort zone from time to time so that I can make room for more healthy relationships in my life.

Sappy Happy

Today, okay maybe last Tuesday, I am the happiest I have ever been.  Sure, I have had many happy and memorable experiences in my life.  As well as many not so happy but equally as memorable experiences.  Today though I use happy as in fulfilled and truly content on an emotional and spiritual level.  Sure, we all want more.  We can think of things that we think would make us happier, say, more money for instance, but for the first time in my life I have actually just smiled in my surroundings and felt truly happy.  This is all a little sappy, I know, and believe me when I say that I am not a sappy person by any stretch of the imagination.

I know that the biggest thing that has made me feel this happy is my beautiful daughter.  Really, maybe even more accurately, it is the realtionship and love that my daughter and I share.  Lacking a healthy mother-daughter relationship growing up has made me feel truly amazing in my relationship with my daughter.  I know that doesn't quite sound like it makes sense.  I think the fact that my mother and I shared a not so healthy relationship has helped me to not take the relationship that my daughter and I are building for granted. Sure, she's only two and you would think that we've only only just begun to build that relationship.  Maybe relationship is not quite the right word.  A relationship is how people relate to one another and get along.  I'm talking about something deeper, something chemical, mystical even. 

She is an extension of myself, my best self.  The self I wish I was or could have been given the chance to be.  I want her to have the things I didn't have.  I want her to have a present mother, a non-alcoholic mother, a non-drug addict mother.  I want her to know her father, see her father, live with her father (and mother, of course).  I want her to have a normal childhood , whatever that may be. 

What I am realizing, and is contributing to my nauseating happiness, is that I actually am capable of providing this for my daughter.  I am capable of having a happy, healthy marriage, with my best friend I might add.  I am not as damaged as I was afraid I may be.  Somehow, despite my own mother having never really raised any of her own three children, I am a great mom.  My daughter is happy, healthy, brilliant, well mannered, and shows love.  Oh, and did I mention brilliant?  She truly is amazingly smart.  Love is not something I always felt from some of those I should have.   Love is not something I easily express to this day.

I am gushing about my daughter, like most mothers I suppose.  But, I really owe everything to my husband, without whom none of this would be possible.  Somehow he loves me despite all of my emotional shortcomings and numerous emotional outpourings.  I know that without him I would not be where I am today.  He supports me. He believes in me.  He loves me.  And that has made me who I am today.