When I think back on my pregnancy and the beginning of my daughter's life I am saddened that my mother wasn't a part of my life at that time. I have very strong feelings about this period in my life with regards to how my mother was missing in action, lost in her own misery and self centered life of drugs and alcohol.
My pregnancy was amazing. I was so happy and I wanted to share the feelings and experiences with my mother. I wanted to talk to her about when she was pregnant with me. After my daughter was born, I wanted to share the feelings I was having and I wanted desperately to hear what her experiences were with me. I wanted to hear her say how much Abby reminded her of me. I was yearning to have a real connection with my mother, unfortunately for the first time in my life. But, it didn't happen.
I remember one day while I was nursing just looking down at my daughter's closed eyes and just for a moment she looked exactly like me and I thought to myself that my mother must have had the same beautiful view 25 years earlier. I just wanted to share that moment with her so badly.
Unfortunately, at the present, my mom is weak. She allows her past to have a negative impact on her life everyday. I know that there is a stronger person inside of her. I think every person has the ability to overcome terrible experiences and become a strong and stable person. Substance abuse has ruined her life thus far. It has ruined our relationship thus far. I hope for change but I have learned not to hold my breath. I will always love her and give her more chances. I am an optimistic person by nature but I also like to think that I am realistic. And I am no longer allowing her to hurt me.
I wish we could go back in time and relive those precious moments together, I truly do.
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